Vendetta
Topic: The Movies
"Remember, Remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot
I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot"

With these words the film "V For Vendetta" opens, giving the viewer an idea of what's coming, if they've got any familiarity with Guy Fawkes and Bonfire Night, "celebrated" every November 5 in England. From there, the film hits a crest of awe and wonder, and never comes down from it.

I never read the comic on which this film is based, although I, and I'm pretty sure nearly every one that sees the film, will make an attempt to do so. Co-written by Alan Moore and David Lloyd, V for Vendetta is a story of a dystopian future of an oppressive British government, opposed by a single man who uses sentiment of the people, genius, terrorism, and a mask of Guy Fawkes to simultaneously unite the people and destroy the government. The Wachowski Brothers, who brought us The Matrix, adapted it to film incredibly well.

V himself is played by Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings trilogy), and he has a challenge. Throughout the entire film, we never see a single shot of his face. The reason for this is the concept of V; which is that he's not a man. He's an ideal. Unfortunately, it's difficult to convey that in a comic. And an actor has a very hard job of conveying that as well. Hugo Weaving's voice and diction were perfect for this role, and he pulls it off masterfully. He rose to the challenge and excelled, and this was an amazing, if faceless, performance.

Natalie Portman plays Evey, and gets her ass kicked through the entire movie. However, in a manner of which Nietzche would approve, it does not kill her, and it makes her stronger. She's thoroughly believable, and her performance is the best I've ever seen from her. If I'd known she was that talented prior to Episode 1, I'd have been a lot more excited about seeing it. I don't know what Lucas did to squash her acting ability, but it's just another reason I'd like to slap him.

There's a lot of excellent performances in this film. The symbolism is everywhere, and I'll have to see it 3 or 4 times before I feel like I've caught most of it. This is a film that is deep, for the thinking person, and visceral at the same time, for the person that likes explosions. The movie is packed with subtleties, and nearly every scene makes you wonder what you might have missed. There's no tricks or twist endings, but the symbolism never stops.

The lines are intelligent, from V's alliterative and erudite ramblings, to his one-liners. The film includes Valerie's letter, and does it all the justice it deserves. All the dialogue is brilliant and well-performed, and I know people will be quoting a lot of it for a long time.

I normally make remarks and comments about a movie while I watch it, at least to myself. I make fun of the dialogue, the scenes, the writing itself. The entire time I was watching V, I just sat there and let it amaze me.

Don't get me wrong. This is not the greatest film ever made. It's not perfect, and has its down moments which leave you feeling a little disappointed by how anticlimactic they feel, even though deep down, you know that was the point of those scenes; they were meant to feel anticlimactic. I know there's a lot of better films out there. But of all the movies I could choose to watch, I can't think of a single film I'd rather see right now than "V for Vendetta."

I really can't do it justice in this 'blog entry. All I can recommend is that you see this film. Get to the theater and see it on the big screen, because it's one of those films. If you only see it on your television, you'll kick yourself, thinking "Damn... this would have been great on the big screen!"

And it is. Go see it.

Yoda
Topic: The Movies
I bet the rest of Yoda's race doesn't talk like that.

I bet the rest of Yoda's race think he's an idiot with poor grammar skills.

Wake Me When HHGttG Hits DVD
Topic: The Movies
I haven't even seen Epi 3 yet, and I'm already sick to death of it.

Maybe if I'd seen it, I wouldn't be fed up with it. But I see it on Pepsi products (which is a negative for any film, from my point of view), cereal, toys, clothes, everywhere! I just saw someone using an animated smiley of a Vader smiley* in a light-saber duel with another smiley.

This is the kind of marketing blitz merchandising, beginning way before the movie was even released, that shows how much of a sellout Lucas has become. He can't write. That should be apparent by now. But what we didn't realize was that he was a marketing genius.

It started with Star Wars Epi 4. He created his own special effects company, called Industrial Light and Magic. (I.L.M. Maybe you've heard of it.) Sure, he made tons of dough from the movies. But then he stopped for a long, long time. But he still kept making money from his special effects company! He's never stopped having a steady income from that. They're still among the top dogs in the visual effects industry, doing everything from models on up. Seen from that perspective, it could be that Star Wars was, originally, a way to showcase the talents of I.L.M. Perhaps it was an added advantage to the success of the film. Perhaps the success of the film was an added advantage to showcasing I.L.M. We may never know.

As for merchandising; think about this. You're a corn flakes company. You contact Lucas. You say "George, I want Yoda and Darth Vader on cereal boxes by April. Whaddayasay?" George comes back with "It'll cost you large." You reply "It'll earn me larger. I'll fax you a signature, you put it on whatever you think is fair."
What happened? Simple... Lucas got paid to advertise his own film! Smegging brilliant! It no longer matters how many people go see the film, or how many records it breaks, or any of that crap, because it'll still make money in the grocery store, even if it loses in the box office.

We've been understimating Lucas. All this time, we thought he was a bad film maker when, in reality, he was a great salesman. Willy Loman would have wept tears of hero-worship.

*Technically, it wasn't a smiley. It was a Vaderly. Or something. Anyway, Vader doesn't smile. Or if he does, we can't see it. Or did. Didn't. Whatever. I'll stop now.

I'M AWAKE!
Topic: The Movies
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN PLAYING GUILD WARS! AND I DIDN'T GO BUY THE COLLECTOR'S EDITION SO I COULD GET THE WAY COOL HEADSET/MICROPHONE AND THREE MONTHS OF TEAMSPEAK ON SPEAKEASY!

...I bought it for the art book and in-game graphics.

I'm weak.

May 19th is a big day. It's the release of a major cinematic effort, nearly 30 years in the making. No, it's not the next episode of Neurotically Yours (although it is, coincidentally, releasing that day, and you might be better off just watching that). It's Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

I'm not going to link it. Go to your pantry and get some product. There's a URL there somewhere. I saw Darth Vader on a box of Cap'n Crunch the other day. Sellout > Lucas > artistic integrity.

This vexes me, because I don't know what they're getting revenge for.* I mean, Darth Maul even said it in Episode I (one of his few speaking lines). "Soon we shall have our revenge!" For WHAT? Did Yoda dis some Sith Lord way back when they were both in 3rd grade? Did the Jedi start selling Pop-Sithcles and force the Dark Side into hiding out of embarrassment? Did the Jedi stand the Sith up at a wedding? Did the Jedi bogart all the cool light-saber colors, leaving Sith with nothing but red?** Did a Jedi run over some Sith's dog with a land speeder (which would have had no effect, unless it was a real tall and stupid dog)?

And since this is the final episode, that means it's finally going to be okay to call for Lucas' head on a platter, because he's run out of opportunities to redeem himself. There will be no "Episode 3?."

Quick precis.

Episode 4: A New Hope was released first. I still think this is because Lucas knew it was the only good film of the bunch. Some space princess gives hyper-important plans to a pair of droids and shoots them off a ship so they can give them to a person that may not even be alive any more, allowing herself to be captured.Supposedly, this is done because gunners don't shoot pods with no life readings on board. Bullshit. I've known gunners. They shoot anything they can get away with shooting. But I digress.
In a target the size, literally, of a planet, the droids land in Obi Wan's back yard, taking the one person that could threaten Sith control of the galaxy with them. Obi Wan gets the message, begins teaching Luke to be a Jedi, goes to the Death Star to rescue Leia (who never asked to be rescued), and becomes a martyr. Luke takes the princess and the scoundrel to a rebel base and instantly learns to fly an X-Wing like an ace. In a spectacular assault on the Death Star, he drops a pair of proton torpedoes (whatever they are) into a 2 meter exhaust shaft that goes straight to the core (yet its' only 2 meters... wtf?) and destroys the base. Medals for all, until...

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back
The rebels get their ass kicked on Hoth and a yeti almost eats Luke. They all run away, and Luke defies orders and goes to Dagobah because Obi Wan told him to do it in a near-death frozen hallucination. He gets there and crashes (proving he's not such a hotshot pilot after all), again landing, somehow, in the right person's back yard, and a Muppet starts stealing his stuff. He does everything the Muppet tells him to do, except the important stuff... like "size matters not," and "stay on Dagobah" and "you don't need your light-saber in that creepy-ass tree." Meanwhile, Leia and Han go to Cloud City (imaginative name) and become bait. Han is preserved in carbonite and taken away by Boba Fett. Leia realizes she's kissed her brother. Twice. She doesn't care, proving royalty is inbred. Threepio is blown up, but unfortunately, they put him back together a little. This is done by Chewie, who somehow never gets short-circuit causing fur in the delicate electronics of whatever he's making. Luke (remember Luke?) gets a vision on Dagobah and falls right into the trap. Vader chops off his hand and then tries to make up by telling him he's his father, and did they want to rule the galaxy together or some other family-building activity, since bowling is now out of the question. Luke decides he'd rather die than be helped by anyone Sith, especially if it's his dad. Movie ends on a downer; Han's captured, Luke's missing his hand, and now all the kids are going to call him "Sith-head."

Episode III: Return of the Jedi
Well, they don't really return. It's just Luke, true, but there was always at least one Jedi; two if you count Yoda before he died right after finishing Luke's training. So that means they never really left. They just kept it on the down-low.
Leia pretends to be a bounty hunter and botches it and gets captured by Jabba. Luke shows up dressed like Lee Van Cleef and uses The Grip™ on an orc and still isn't a Sith. He kills a rancor and makes a bad guy cry. Later, he rescues everybody and dumps Boba Fett into a sarlacc and we think it's cool. A bunch of other stuff happens, and they end up on Endor with speeder bikes, which are cool, and a bunch of teddy bears, which aren't. They blow up another Death Star (because you can't stop with just one). Meanwhile, Vader redeems himself and saves Luke and kills the Emperor and gets himself killed in the process. Closing scene of three ghosts and a funeral, and dancing teddy bears in the forest.

Twenty years later, Lucas remembers he was making movies a while ago. He did something called Willow shortly after Episodes 4 through 6, which was a D&D kind of thing with almost the same plot as Star Wars, only with midgets. Val Kilmer was in it, but not even he could have saved the film. Lucas realizes he needs another influx of money because Industrial Light and Magic isn't making him as famous as he wants to be any more, and re-mastering his old successes isn't panning out as well as he'd hoped, and some fat slob is making Lord of the Rings and invading Lucas turf, and doing a much better job of it than Lucas ever could. It's time to get serious. It's time to get creative and clever, and give the people more of that Hollywood magic they crave so much. Somehow, that led to Jarjar Binks.

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Why the Hell did he call it that? Shouldn't it have been "The Hidden Menace?" Or maybe "The Unseen Menace?" "The Menace That You Can't See?" What phantom? No phantom was there! Just Sith that were really sneaky! What was it Yoda said... "Difficult to see is The Dark Side." Bullshit! Senator Palpatine was in plain sight all the time, and any Jedi that got near him and didn't get intestinal cramps shouldn't have been making light-sabers.
Obi Wan (much younger) and Qui Gon (soon to die, but not yet) nearly get killed (see?) and escape to an underwater city. They take a Jamaican salamander and a submarine to Theed, where they rescue a queen (is rescuing royalty a recurring theme or what? Obi Wan could have told Leia "I remember when I first rescued your mother..."). They emergency stop on a planet to fix a hyperdrive. (Broken hyperdrive? In a Star Wars movie? Can't be!) They meet a kid that's stronger in The Force than God, but he doesn't know it. Someone says "midichlorians," and the audience realizes how much they hate Lucas. There's a big race scene, and the kid wins (shit... who saw that coming?), and they take him to Coruscant. Yoda says he won't get trained because the kid's got fear. Duh. He's a kid, and Muppet or no, Yoda's a green wrinkly booger with a light-saber. They go back to Naboo and blow up a mini-Death-Star (a "Death Moon" if you will), make peace between the indigenous races of Naboo, blow up a lot of droids, and kill a bunch of Gungans, but not, unfortunately, Jarjar. Darth Maul has the best light-saber duel ever filmed, with Qui Gon, who dies, and Obi Wan, who doesn't. After a spectacular display of skill and mastery of the double-bladed light-saber, Maul, who has all the time in the world while Obi Wan propels himself out of a pit, does a back-flip over his head, force-pulls a light-saber to his hand, and mauls Maul, just stands there with his face hanging out throughout the entire event, not once thinking "damn... I should... like... block, or something..."
Medals to the heroes.
So, basically, it's the same as Episode I, only much worse, but with better light-saber duels.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
This was a title worthy of Ed Wood. And so was the movie.
The brat's older now, but still a brat. Lots of stuff happens as the characters search for some kind of a plot. The brat kills sand people because they killed his mom, and we think it's cool.
Eventually, there's clones, and they attack. Yoda shows you don't mess with no wrinkly boogers with light-sabers, even if you have two of them (light-sabers, not wrinkly boogers), with pistol-grip pommels. Cool though they are, that just won't do it. We get to see Padme's belly and the outline of her nipples, because Lucas finally realized his writing talents weren't going to do it alone. The brat marries the used-to-be-queen, with his artificial hand.

Whew! I'm ready for the final episode now! Aren't you? Can't wait! I'm eagerly anticipating it, with great eagerness and being eager! It'll be... it's gonna be... it's...

Who am I kidding? I'm going just for the closure. One day, Lucas will realize that all we really want to see is light-saber duels and Padme's chest, and we'll have a two-hour presentation alternating between those scenes, and it'll be bigger than... well, bigger than Star Wars.

But not this time. This time will be just as bad as the last two times. But go anyway, because then you'll know it's well and truly over. And think about it... when was the last time it was okay for theaters to sell tickets to a train wreck? Never. So go, just so you can tell your grandchildren you were there, and they can look knowingly at each other and nod, and understand exactly why you're so messed up.

*See? I'm so vexed, I ended a sentence with a preposition. WTF?
**Although the red goes nicely with Vader's all-black ensemble. Queer Eye for the Sith Guy.

Well, That's True...
Topic: The Movies
Actor Alfred Molina, on portraying Dr. Octavius (Doctor Octopus) in the movie Spider-Man 2:

"Well, there's a huge, incredibly loyal fan base out there... you can't do him gay with an Irish accent."

I Laughed. I Cried. I Had To Pee.
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: City Of Heroes
Topic: The Movies
Spider-Man 2 was released today. I was present for the midnight screening. If you weren't, nyah nyah nyah.

In the car on the way there, Tim the Pirate exclaimed out of no-where "I'm not gay, but I seem to turn other people around me gay." This has nothing to do with the film, but we all laughed our collective ass off, and so I thought I'd share. Back to the film.

We arrived an hour early, having pre-purchased our tickets and wanting to get a good seat. It was midnight... we were pretty sure that every Spider-Man devotee' (pronounced "geek") in the area would be there; or at least, sure that everyone there would be a Spider-man devotee'. I hit the men's room and got my snacks. We got great seats and sat down 45 minutes before the film, popcorn and drinks in hand. I had a medium drink, but it could have filled a bathtub. The large could have filled a wading pool, and refills on that size were free... just in case the wading pool leaked, I guess.

We sat through The 20wenty. At seven minutes past midnight, the previews started, so the audience was ready to do a little wall crawling ourselves. Right about then, my soda began knocking on my bladder's door. I had to pee. It was one of those desperate moments when you're trying to figure out if you have enough time to hit the men's room again before the end of the previews. I never had the nerve to try. The opening credits began and it was too late. But that's okay. I forgot all about the bathroom until the closing credits rolled.

The film itself was written in such a way that, like the first film, aficionados of His Webliness would find it both fresh and familiar. The story line followed comic history closely enough, but with enough twists to keep the fans surprised and on the edge of their seats.
The story was the classic crush-up of personal problems, public problems, angst and romance so common to the Spider-man comics. It's an action/comedy/chick-flick/monster movie. No, really.

There were several cameos from the first film, including one from Bruce Campbell, who also played the ringmaster in the first film. You'll know him when you see him. There's also a very brief cameo from Stan Lee... watch for it.

The science was a bit off... okay, way off. (If you know what tritium is, try not to be too upset when you see the film.) But considering he got his powers from a genetically altered spider biting him, science was sent to go hang from Issue #1 (and Spider-man has lots of issues). Suspend your disbelief and move on.

Special effects were on par with the first film's, with some improvements. Dock Ock's arms were amazingly well animated. In the comics, I always found myself wondering "If his arms are so short in this panel, how'd they get so long in these panels?" That happens in the film too... but instead, I found myself thinking "Yeah... yeah, I can see how they'd be able to do that."

Also like the first film, music was composed by the grimly great Mr. Danny Elfman, as is appropriate to the point of being nearly obligatory for films of the super-heroic genre. That was definitely a plus.

There was plenty of setup for not only a third film, but you'll also see a certain Dr. Connors, raising the possibility of a fourth film as well. Connors' field of expertise is not herpetology, but then, Spider-man is a photographer, Doc Ock is a physicist, and Norman Osborn, although he was weird, was not a goblin.

Overall, I'm more than pleased with the results. I enjoyed it very much, and would pay to see it again in the theater, and I may very well do so. I was glued to the screen all the way to the very end of the film, and the closing credits began to roll.

Then, I ran to the bathroom, suddenly remembering that I still had to pee. If the movie had lasted another hour, I'd have still waited until the end.

Your Monster Killer Wants Stake
Topic: The Movies
The topic here should actually be "The Movies That Are Also Games." Van Helsing will be released to the theaters May 7, and also as a game in the same month, probably on the same date. Universal Studios (who has also decided to remake Dawn of the Dead, released the 19th of this month) has partnered with Vivendi Universal Games to develop the video game version of this film for simultaneous release, proving that they've got marketing down cold.

The plot, as far as I can tell, is that Dr. Van Helsing, previously known only for his part in the destruction of vampires, particularly Dracula (read it here), has branched out and added Frankenstein's Monster and The Wolfman to his repertoire. The character was created by Bram Stoker in the book 'Dracula,' in order to give the protagonists someone with knowledge of vampires, giving them the edge they need to win. This re-imagining is apparently a younger Van Helsing, who, in his earlier days, liked stomping monster butt of all varieties. So, apparently, the plot is going to be that a legendary monster hunter is going to go out and become a legendary monster hunter by hunting a lot of legendary monsters. Hollywood has run out of ideas.

The concept of legendary heroes saving the world has been recently done by 20th Century Fox with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which wasn't all that successful, because the movie was weak. Not even the amazing talent of Sir Sean Connery could rescue that film. I'm not screaming to get back the 90 minutes of my life that I spent watching it, but I'm not going to watch it again unless there's nothing else on... and if there's a Muppet Show marathon running simultaneously, I'll pass on League.

Yet here's Universal, trying to one-up Fox by following League's failure with a similar concept in Van Helsing. But there's something to remember here; it might still be good! The idea is sound, it's just a matter of pulling it off. And in League, they had 8 legends to bring to life (counting the villain). In Van Helsing, they'll only have to worry about 4 (counting the monsters). And they just might have better writers. So I'm giving the film a chance, and I'll be there to see it. Maybe not opening day, but I'll see it.

As for the game, it's only being released on PS2 and X-box. Whose brilliant marketing strategy was that? First, they show how savvy their marketing is by releasing the game with the film, then wreck it by only making it available on 2 game platforms, and both of those are console. Holy crudmonkeys, that's lame. It's as if the board members of Universal, Sony, and Microsoft (whose site is at least 50% spin) got together, smoked a few cigars, and said "We giant, ugly super corporations have to stick together." and decided to screw the PC gamer, since there wasn't anyone there to represent them, except Microsoft (and they already had the game release covered by the X-Box).

And no, I'm not going to carry my happy ass out to the store to buy a game console just so I can play Van Helsing... I personally think that there's no better controller than a keyboard and mouse, in my opinion. I'll play console games. I don't hate consoles. But that damned controller gives me blisters on my fingers, and that sucks. Consoles need better controllers... like, say, a keyboard and mouse. It'll take a really good game to get me to buy a console. Which is not to say that I don't want a console; I actually do want one. But I want one so I can play lots of games, not just Van Helsing.

One of the interesting points to consider here is that the movie itself is about a guy that's going out to destroy monsters. In a media where so many films and games are based on the monster's perspective, and makes monsters the protagonists, Universal has returned to the concept of destroying them. I like this.

I know there's gonna be a lot of vampire sub-culture people out there going "Dracula would have devoured him, and that crossbow would never really work." To those people, I say "It's only a movie. Vampires aren't real. Take off the black lipstick and mascara, let your hair's real color grow back out, put on some color, and move out of your parents' basement. There's a real world out there for you to enjoy, you pasty-skinned societal carbuncle, and there's no vampires in it. If you're going to suppose vampires can exist, then you have to accept that maybe, just maybe, someone can kill them, and perhaps there's an engineer out there that could make that crossbow work. If that shatters your world, then your world was too fragile, and you should try the real one. Role-play is all good fun, but sometimes you have to remember to pay your bills."

Dracula sure as hell won't pay your bills. Van Helsing killed him. And I hope he used that crossbow to do it.

Van Helsing
Universal Studios
Dawn of the Dead
Vivendi Universal Games
Bram Stoker's Dracula
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Sir Sean Connery
The Muppets
20th Century Fox
Sony
Microsoft

I Want To Be A Bond Villain
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: The Movies
James Bond takes on the coolest villains. They have cool names, like Goldfinger. They have cool vehicles. They have more money than The Vatican. They have sexy women wandering around naked all day all around them. Even their henchmen get cool names, like Jaws, and Odd-Job.

Down side: they all die, 'cause he's James Freakin' Bond. (Bet you didn't know that's his middle name, eh?)

That's why if I were a Bond villain, I'd immediately contact Her Majesty's Secret Service and inform them I was no longer up to anything, and had changed my mind, everyone have a nice day, but please don't come around because people that Bond gets near have a nasty habit of dropping dead, even when they haven't done anything, and besides, the pool's still full of sharks with lasers on their heads.

That way, I'd get to keep the cash, henchmen, toys, sharks, lasers, etc. without getting killed by Bond.

You know... Bond... James Bond.

007