What Snakes?
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Holidays
I am not wearing green. I refuse. If asked why I'm not wearing any green today, I point to a button I'm wearing instead, and say "Read that." The button says "It's only funny until someone loses an eyeball. Then, hey! Free eyeball!" It doesn't explain, but it makes them wonder.

I'm not eating corned beef and cabbage. I have no clue why this is traditional. I'll look it up, if I suddenly begin to care why, but for now, I suppose it makes as much sense as dying eggs in order to celebrate the ascension of Christ. They are serving corned beef and cabbage at my place of enslavement, and I am certain that the methane levels in the workplace will be quite elevated very shortly. I'm having a Philly cheesesteak sandwich, with tomatoes, but no cheese. It's much more yummy than corned beef.

I'm certainly not drinking green beer. True Irishpersons don't drink beer that is light enough in color that you could make it turn green anyway. They drink Guinness, because, unlike American beer drinkers, they are familiar with real beer. And while I approve of a holiday which started out with religious overtones degenerating into a night dedicated to the imbibement of fermented grains (replete with the inevitable inebriation resultant of those activities), it generally turns the holiday into an excuse for drinking beer. So it's a lot like bowling, except there's no pins and no bowling balls. Saint Patrick's Day apparently is a night where you have an excuse to drink beer all night everywhere, not just in bowling alleys, and also to wear green without people calling the fashion police. I bet even Carson Kressley would turn a blind Queer Eye to green pants today.

Sometimes, there's parades. I have no idea why. To me, a St. Patrick's Day Float should mean mint ice cream in a glass of Guinness. And since I hate mint, that pretty much kills the concept for me.

It started as a celebration of one man's martyrdom (which is a pretty grim thing to celebrate), because he drove snakes out of Ireland that were never in Ireland in the first place (but you can't be a saint without a miracle, right?), and brought Christianity to a bunch of people that didn't want it.

I'm part Scottish. I don't wear a kilt. I'm also part German. I don't wear lederhosen. I'm part Polish. I haven't eaten kielbasa in literally years. I'm part Native American. I don't do rain dances. And I'm part Irish. I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
Not because I don't participate in religious celebrations... I do participate in some religious celebrations, although for other than theistic reasons. It's not because St. Patrick's Day doesn't make sense (it doesn't, but I can't understand the tax laws and I still pay). I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day because I don't like beer... and that's all it means any more. Oh, sure. You can give the whole driving snakes out and bringing Christianity to Ireland all the lip service you want. But you're not fooling anyone. It's all about the beer.

So remember; if you're getting a prescription filled tomorrow morning, or your taxes done, or your hair cut... it might just be done by a person that last night was painted green and pouring beer on their own head while standing on a table singing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" and exposing themselves, and still have a minor buzz or a nasty hangover.

Maybe you better wait until next week.

Turkey Optional
Topic: Holidays
Okay. Birdie go bye-bye. You've had your turkey, you've had your stuffing, your cranberries, your gravy, all that good stuff.

Now you have... leftovers.

The original pilgrims had leftovers too. You don't hear about that a lot. A lot of misconceptions float around about that first Thanksgiving. For one thing, if turkeys had been present (doubtful, since they hadn't yet been domesticated and only ran around in the wild), they hid themselves well, oblivious to their future.

But the first Thanksgiving also had a lot of leftovers. When you cook for about a hundred people, getting the numbers to match up doesn't just happen. I'm sure there wasn't enough of some things, and way, way too much of others. We can assume that John Smith and John Smith, and possibly even John Smith ate far too much of the potatoes, and they still had enough afterward to build a small potato fort and have potato fights. But John Smith got angry with John Smith for bogarting all the pheasant. Mary (or was it Mary?) would have cooked more, but you can only kill so many of them before the rest wise up, and she ran out. Society's to blame.

But what did they do with all those leftovers? Ever wonder about that? Well, what could they do? How long would leftover squash and yams keep? If they were far enough North,* and if it was late enough in the year,** the world around them would have been like a natural refrigerator. They just needed to keep the food outside; or, at least, in an unheated area, safe from wild animals, like bears, raccoons, and John Smith (no relation to John Smith, or John Smith).

I get the feeling that a lot of old American recipes came from these last few days after Thanksgiving. Shepherd's pie did not get invented in America, but you can bet that a lot of them were made in late November and early December. Sweet potato pie probably appeared in many larders beside the pumpkin pie, and the creamed cranberry surprise.*** Notice a lot of pies there? Leftovers make good pies.

Oh, and the bread. Yeah. It was probably the one thing of which they had plenty. But it doesn't last long, even if it's cold. And they didn't have plastic bags back then. A breadbox did the trick; it kept the bread from going stale as quickly (assuming it sealed well). But how many breadboxes could they have had? Was there a run on John Smith's Mercantile for breadboxes right after the feast? Did settlers look for places to put the bread, devouring what they couldn't store? Or did they just wise up and feed it to the livestock?

Here in Casa Ara?a del Heretico, we got rid of what leftovers we'd already accumulated (some of which had been accumulating for quite some time), eliminated what we decided wasn't worth keeping, and refrigerated the rest.

If we're hungry enough, it may be gone before next Thanksgiving.

*They were.
**It was.
***It never gained any popularity, and eventually leftover cranberry sauce was put to a more appropriate use, such as wolf repellant, or weed killer.

It's Hallowe'en!
Topic: Holidays
Really. I don't just mean "It's the season for Hallowe'en!" I mean it really is All Hallow's Eve.

It's not the Festival of Samhain, though. That annually recurs at a specific time. But for the definition of All Hallow's Eve, it is in fact the evening before all ground is hallowed. Every day is the day before all ground is hallowed.

To explain... the Agnostics and Atheists have said for a long time that if God did in fact create the Earth, that all ground is Created, and therefore Holy. So either all ground is Holy, or none of it is Holy. Atheists have chosen to believe that all ground is not Holy. Agnostics haven't made up their minds yet, or don't think it's possible to tell one way or the other, so they just let the question hang and smile benignly at religious gatherings, and give presents to people at Decemberwe'en, but don't go to the service. Or sometimes they do go to the service. Just in case.

Anyway.

With that in mind, and since I have chosen to believe in a Creator or Creators* that have done the deed and made the Earth. Since they have, all ground is Hallowed and as a result, every day is the day before all ground is Hallowed, and that means that every day is Hallowe'en. And you can celebrate all year round, accordingly. Keep in mind that the only socially accepted day to go Trick Or Treating is on October 31st.

You can do other things, though. Jack-O-Lanterns, real or made from ceramic or just plain paper ones with no candle, can be done all year 'round. Decorations, costumes, treats, all of it can be done 365 days a year (366 in Leap-Year).

I advise not trying to drag other people into your celebrations, unless they're like-minded. It is wrong to force your religious beliefs on other people and expect them to participate. That sword's other edge is that they should not expect you to stop dressing like Spongebob Squarepants or Albert Einstein.

Just don't expect them to give you candy.

*In an Agnostic fashion, while I have accepted the existence of Divinity, I have no way of knowing the true nature of God(s), so I do not know if The Creator(s) is(are) pantheistic. And the application of Occam's Razor, while effective in Science, is in matters of theism, ironically, overly optimistic, at best.

Feb-Roo-Air-Ee
Topic: Holidays
According to this site, there's a lot of observances that last the whole month; forget about daily holidays.

For instance:

African American History Month (Black History Month) Take special note. These poor oppressed people only get one month to have a history, and this is it. (Is there a white history month, I wonder? Or would that just be 'History Month?')

AMD/Low Vision Awareness Month
Sponsored by Prevent Blindness America: www.preventblindness.org

American Hearth Month
Sponsored by The American Heart Association: www.americanheart.org Because the American Heart Association wants you to have a fireplace. (note: this is an actual typo on the observances page linked above. Check yourself.

American History Month
Sponsored by National Society of Daughters of the American Revolution. They don't have a web site, because back in the days of the American revolution, they didn't have computers more complicated than an abacus, and their networks weren't all that useful. They were windows based; essentially, they'd open a window and holler out it to each other. I guess there is a white history month after all... it's the same month as black history month. So for equality, it should be hispanic history month, asian history month, etc. Why not just call it 'history month,' and have done with it? Oh... wait... if we did that, there wouldn't be any racism involved. But then, isn't that supposed to be the point?

Bake For Family Fun Month
February 2002 was the first annual Bake for Family Fun Month. The Home Baking Association has dedicated this occasion to the great taste, good nutrition, economy and family fun of home baking. Source: www.aeb.org/kidsandfamily/bake_for_family_fun_month.html I'm in heavy, serious support of this. Mmmmmmm... cookies...

Bird Feeding Month (US National)
Sponsored by the National Bird Feeding Society www.birdfeeding.org It's tuppence a bag.

Candy Month This is not to be confused with baking month, mentioned above.

Canned Foods Month
Sponsored by the Canned Food Info Council of America In celebration of the early days of food preservation, which used lead solder to seal the cans, and killed everyone on The Franklin Expedition. Celebrate!

Cat Health Month (US National)
Sponsored by the American Veterinary Medical Association Your cat wants steak.

Cherry Month
Sponsored by the Cherry Marketing Institute of America MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm... I'm not even gonna think about touching this one. Too easy.

Children's Dental Health Month (National)
Sponsored by the American Dental Association This is for the teeth that don't go to the tooth fairy.

Chocolate Month Notice it's in tandem with Children's Dental Health Month. Coincidence? I think not.

Condom Month (National US) - Source: www.bacchusgamma.org/event.asp So... who's so big that they need an entire month just for their condoms? Personally, I only need a week and a half.

Creative Romance Month Because we need a month for this. I know that my love makes me wax poetic; she makes me want to compare her to a summer's day, with eyes like limpid pools... raven hair that... uhm... with... I got nothin'.

Embroidery Month (International)
Sponsored by Stitches Magazine Sponsored by an embroidery magazine? Get out. No way. Can't be!

Friendship Month If you don't have any friends, this is not your month.

Grapefruit Month (National) Why do grapefruit get a whole month, and Jesus only got Christmas and Easter?

Library Lovers Month
"Library Lovers' Month is a month-long celebration of school, public, and private libraries of all types. This is a time for everyone, especially library support groups, to recognize the value of libraries and to work to assure that the Nation's libraries will continue to serve." See Web site: www.librarysupport.net/librarylovers/ This wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't written in such a way that it sounds kind of like the library woke up beside you in bed, and you should send a card and flowers.

Pet Oral Health Care Month (US National)
Sponsored by Pet Dental Your dog wants Binaca.

Potato Lovers Month
Sponsored by the National Potato Board of America Yep. February is the month for spud-luv. French fries, baked, chipped, mashed, scalloped, however you like them. They're cheap. They're friendly. They taste good. A spud a day keeps the doctor away. Oh, wait... that's a Sputnik a day.

Responsible Pet Owner Month
Sponsored by the ASPCA www.aspca.org Bob says "have your pet spayed or neutered." And he should know. He's a game show host and a celebrity.

Sinus Pain Awareness Month
Sponsored by the American Academy of Otolaryngology - Head and Neck Surgery: www.entnet.org Just in case you have a head or neck injury, or sinus pain, and you aren't aware of it.

Snack Food Month (US National)
Sponsored by the Snack Food Association. The Snack Food Association and the National Potato Promotion Board (NPPB) initiated National Snack Food Month in February 1989. The promotion kicks off on Super Bowl Sunday and publicity is generated throughout the month of February. Does anyone really think this is necessary? Seriously. I've only been awake for 90 minutes, and I've already had chocolate covered gummi bears and a Coke.

Umbrella Month
As seen on www.BlueMountain.com (Greeting Cards) "It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me that ends up getting wet."

Weddings Month (US National)
Sponsored by the Association of Bridal Consultants of America
(See our General Webs for Weddings) I'd have thought this one would be in June, but I guess you need to start planning in February, so you can spend as much money as possible, and keep bridal consultants in business.

Wise Health Consumer Month
Sponsored by the American Institute for Preventive Medicine http://www.healthylife.com Well, judging by how all the other observances are fueled by people that would make the most money from them, this one has to be sponsored by HMO's.

I was going to post holidays too, but who has time for that? I've got to eat chocolate, eat snack food, eat potatoes, brush my teeth, and stay healthy while I deal with my bridal consultant in the rain under my umbrella, while being aware of sinus pain and feeding birds... all month long! Who's got time for holidays?

Thank the gods there's only 28 days in February... well, 29 this year. That'll be the one that kills me, I just know it.

I'd Give You My Heart, But I'm Still Using It...
Topic: Holidays
There's other holidays this month, but we'll discuss them another time (probably tomorrow). Let's just hit the one everyone knows about this month, and get it out of the way, shall we?

According to this article available on The History Channel's web site, Valentine's Day is properly known as St. Valentine's Day. There's also about 3 different saints named Valentine or Valentinus that are recognized as such by The Church (ominous music here), all of whom were martyred. (The lesson: people named Valentine are holy, righteous, and piss off people in power that eventually kill them.) The story I heard while in school was that Valentine sent a message to the woman he loved from his prison cell. It was delivered by a bird, and was written on a leaf that was shaped like the classic representation of a heart. You know... the one that, if you draw it in grade school, won't get you detention. Supposedly the reason the 'heart' graphical euphemism we use today is based on that leaf.

He signed it 'Your Valentine.' So when we tell someone we want them to be our Valentine, we're saying "I want you to be my love from afar, locked away in a cell until you die, in martyrdom, and become posthumously sainted. Because I love you."

There seems to be a basic incongruity in that statement which, frankly, disturbs me. But it also amuses me.

The really sick part of this farce is that we have kids in schools giving valentines with Batman and Barbie on them to every kid in their classroom.

Look, if you want to tell someone you love them, you don't need to wait until St. Valentine's day to do it. And you probably, based on the history of the day, shouldn't call them your valentine, or the card you give them a valentine, either. Just call it a greeting card, or something.

Or just say it with flowers.

St. Valentine's History
The History Channel
Flowers

Get Ready To Screw Up And Write 2003 Instead Of 2004
Topic: Holidays
Welcome to January. It's not like it's my month or anything, it's just sort of something you say.

There's the regularly scheduled holidays this month... New Year's Day (you're soaking in it), Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and so on. But there's a lot of which you might not be aware.

I have listed here some holidays which, I believe, are from America in some alternate reality... they were lifted from this site, which describes them as 'American holidays,' but I'm damned if I ever heard of any of them.

These are pretty screwy; it's like the holiday planners wanted to get them all out of the way at the beginning of the year so that people can take a breath and look forward to Valentine's Day.

January 1 is First Foot Day, whatever the hell that is, and Z Day. If you know someone whose name begins with "Z," they go to the front of the line instead of the back. I'm sure that one day will make them feel all better.

January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day.

January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day. I'm there.

January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day. It's a day just for me.

January 5 is Bird Day (not that kind of bird, put your finger away, Jim).

January 6 is Bean Day. This is a day for Jim.

January 7 is Old Rock Day. Look it up.

January 8 is National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher's Day. WTF?

January 9 is Play God Day (or, 'Just Another Day' for Dubya).

January 10 is Peculiar People Day (or, 'Just Another Day' for Dubya).

January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day. (or, 'Just Another Day' for me).

January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day. See a trend here? What if it were "Woman Watcher's Day?" or "Feast of Fabulous Wild Women Day?" We'd be called chauvanists. I must protest. This is reverse chauvanism.

January 13 is Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone Else Day. Both on the same day. Coincidence? I think not.

January 14 is National Dress Up Your Pet Day. I refuse to participate.

January 15 is Hat Day. Apparently, hats are more important than I am.

January 16 is Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day. Woot to the spicy food.

January 17 is Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day. I'm sure this was an important event to someone.

January 18 is Winnie the Pooh Day. Eeyore has to ride on the bear's coat tails.

January 19 is National Popcorn Day. I'm so gonna celebrate this one.

January 20 is National Buttercrunch Day. Obviously, the previous holiday ran over into this one.

January 21 is National Hugging Day. "How sentimental..."

January 22 is National Answer Your Cat's Question Day and National Blonde Brownie Day. I always answer my cat's questions... the answer is always "Shaddap."

January 23 is National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day. What do these 3 things have in common? Only January 23rd.

January 24 is Eskimo Pie Patent Day. Again, this is, apparently, more important than me.

January 25 isn't Opposite Day. See, if I say it's opposite day, that means it isn't opposite day. So it isn't. Or is it...?

January 26 is Australia Day. Ten bucks and a Coke sez they don't have a United States of America day.

January 27 is Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper Day. So clock your clock and use the toilet to celebrate.

January 28 is National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day. Pass, pass (unless it's a punk band they're talking about), and definitely pass.

January 29 is National Cornchip Day. No, really! Why would I make that up?

January 30 is Escape Day. Celebrate by getting the hell out of town.

January 31 is National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day. Wait... wasn't that the 19th? And this child labor day... is that to celebrate it, or mourn it, or honor it, or what?

Look them up yourself. I'm gonna go stomp in puddles and splash my friends.

Bizarre Holidays