Patrol
Topic: Comic Books
More on super-heroes.

They always seem to be able to just stumble across a crime in progress. They swing around town, or listen to the police scanners, or some cosmic planet-eater's herald shows up and warns them of the impending extinction event that is their master's lunch. In short, they make it look easy.

Ever considered how you'd go about it?

Take the "swinging around town until a crime presents itself" option. From way up there, how are you going to see someone robbing someone else? What are the odds you'll be there at the exact same time?And if you do see it, how will you be able to tell it's a robbery and not a couple of the restaurant's employees grabbing a quick cigarette in the alley? It's hard to tell from up there, I'd bet. How many times would you interrupt a smoke-break, and have to say "Oh, sorry... I thought you were circus midgets" and then zoom away, your face flushed red beneath your mask?

Police scanners are great, but you need a portable one if you swing around, and you need a car if you don't. And if you're in a car, odds are that the police will be there first anyway. If you're swinging around, or flying, you might get there first... but then what? How are you going to tell the police that you weren't there to begin with, causing the problem? How do you convince them that you're not the perpetrator? And if they get there first (or if you let them get there first so there's no need to convince them of your innocence), aren't you interfering with an arrest?

Concerning planet-eaters... I got nothing.

So I was thinking, maybe, they'd just check the newspapers and look at the police logs, and figure out the crime hot-spots, and hang around there until they saw something. So I checked the major newspapers of Boston, New York, and Detroit. And you know what? None of them had a police log. Apparently, so much crime happens there, they don't have time to catalog it all. I checked my own little town's paper, and it has a police log, but it's boring, covers a huge area (not just my town, but several nearby ones too, probably the entire county), and only lists things like "arrested for OUI," and "arrested on oustanding warrants," and "illegally becoming involved with a domestic dispute."* These are not events worthy of a person capable of dodging bullets or throwing small vehicles.

Now, the large number of crimes in a major city does imply that one is more likely to be seen, by sheer number of crimes committed. But consider that they're not happening at a predictable time or place, and they could happen anywhere, and it then becomes a waiting game. You would have to pick a spot and hide there until someone came along to commit the crime. You'd be busting up muggings and drug deals, and you know, it's not really helping the police to do that.

Muggings, sure, it helps the people out that are getting mugged. But the police may not be able to prosecute if the public defender for the mugger throws some "rules of evidence" bullshit out there, or claims that the mugger was needlessly beat to a pulp by some vigilante that the police should be stopping, but aren't because they don't want to. They may have a harder time making the charges stick, is what I'm saying.
As for drug deals, they want to stop major pushers. They might not be able to do that if they just get one street pusher and not his source. They set up sting operations to do that, and you just may be interfering with one by stopping to "help."

The big crimes are usually not going to be like that anyway. They're going to be white collar. All you need to bust that crime is to email the evidence to a police investigator or newspaper. The crime will be discovered and stopped. No need for a cape.

And bank robberies do occur, but what super-hero is going to fly around all the banks in town, just to make sure nobody robs one of them that day?

Best bet seems to be having not just one, but a whole bunch of people, with communications devices of some kind, that patrol the city. They could wear costumes that identify them as members of that organization, so people will know them when they see them. They could carry defenses like tasers or maybe some kind of billy club, for self defense. They could have cars distinctively marked so people would know to get out of their way when they were on the way to stop a crime in progress, and have a centrally located headquarters and dispatch station, and a connection to emergency phone numbers like 911...

Oh, wait. We already have something like that, don't we. It's called "The Police Department."

Maybe we could have two police departments, the second one to take up the slack of the first one?

Skip it. Never mind. Any super-heroes reading this, forget about it and go back to flying around the city looking for muggers with your x-ray vision or something like that. Forget I said anything.

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*Whatever the Hells that means.

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Capes
Topic: Comic Books
Who decided fashion for super heroes and super villains?

I think we need to start with Flash Gordon and The Shadow. One was from the future, where that kind of apparel will be "in vogue." The other wore a big black cloak to look more like a shadowy black shadow. And then he'd turn invisible.

So those had some kind of reasoning to them. Superman, though, was from another planet. But it was a highly advanced civilization. So, it seems, when you get a lot of smart people and amazing technology together, capes have to follow. Perhaps we're destined for this. Perhaps the trend has already begun.

Batman makes sense too... the cape emulates the wings of a bat. And his cape is clearly the second coolest cape in comics, right behind Spawn's, which not only looks as cool, but also can be used to make tools to help the character out. It's fashionable and functional.

And that's it. I can't think of any other super-hero whose cape actually serves a purpose. Granted, there's the Spider-Man 2099 cape, which is made of an ultralight material that lets him glide for short distance, increasing his "air time" as he brachiates from building to building. But seriously; it looks like a cobweb for a reason, and is a gratuitous add-on to the tights. It looks pretty cool, but isn't necessary.

And, so far as I can tell, neither is any other super-hero's. Even Thor's huge, billowy, red thing doesn't belong; he's a viking. Vikings wore scratchy animal skins draped over their shoulders, and that's as close to the cape thing as they got. If Thor were to wear a cape, it should be made from some odd thing, like the fur of the great Midgard bear Hjardbjinbjanbdrgracklegruntj, or something equally unpronounceable with way too many "J"s, and it would give him amazing super protection against the arctic cold, blasting winds, and (inexplicably) bullets. But no, he wears a curtain with the rod taken out.

Spider-Man does not wear a cape. The way he moves, he'd be tangled up in it all the time. Capes limit mobility. Capes can be grabbed by the bad guy. Capes are just one more part of the costume that has to be hidden under the civilian clothes.* It's one more thing to wash and repair every night when you get home, so you don't look filthy while you're patrolling: super-heroes can't look dirty.

Why do I care? Well, I really don't. But if I were to be a super-hero, I wouldn't wear a cape, and I damned well wouldn't wear tights, either. I don't need to be embarassed by my physique, or any biological functions that can be betrayed by wearing an outfit that puts my entire body's physical details where everyone can see them.

The Rogue Spidor's costume would be cargo pants and tabi boots, a utility belt, a loose canvas shirt, goggles over a pullover mask, and leather gloves (normally, no gloves, but fingerprints are what the cool kids refer to as "evidence"). No cape, it's warm enough to wear in the winter but breathes enough to wear in the summer, and, because it's loose, will break up the outline of the wearer just a touch to provide a bit of camouflage in the dark.

And comics creators all over the world would say "Why didn't we think of that?" Well, because it wouldn't sell books, that's why. Why do some super-heroes wear capes? It sells the product. Why do some not wear capes? It sells the product. The costume, like everything else about the product, is driven by that bottom line; will it make the character more popular and sell more books. Who decided super-hero fashion? The readers and their dollars.

Real super-heroes would be more interested in survival than fashion. In the comics, it's driven by popularity and the almighty buck. That's because comics aren't real. If that breaks your heart to learn, then it's probably about time that it got broken.

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*For the record, technically, super-heroes are civilians too, unless they've been deputized, like Batman has. But I digress.

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For The Comics Fans
Topic: Comic Books
Spider-Man is cool okay, sure. But he isn't half as cool as Spider-Man 2099. Yet, for some reason, Marvel Comics chose to dump the 2099 line, and dropped the future web-slinger with it. Now, if you search through their site, you don't even see a mention of the line at all. They treat it like a bastard child they refuse to acknowledge, because of the embarrassment they'd feel.

The only place you can find Spider-Man 2099 is in the fan sites. Do a Google search and you'll see tons of references. This title was popular! But you can't find it anywhere. Marvel sucked as much life out of it as they could, then ditched it. It's like the way Paramount is trying to kill Star Trek (which really doesn't affect me one way or the other, I mention it only for comparison).

Which is sad, because I'd really like to read more Spider-Man 2099. I'd also like to read more Ghost Rider 2099. I liked that even better than the Spider-Man title. But I digress.

Differences, for those that think it's just another great-responsibility/great power title.

For one thing, the personalities are totally different. The 2099 hero was actually suicidal for a short while, until he realized that he was going to make the other guys dance on a string instead. Spider-Man 2099 fought a future version of The Vulture... a cannibal. At one point, he damaged The Vulture's flight system, and the cannibal dropped like a rock. So Spider-Man snagged him with a web and saved his life.

Ha! No! Just kidding. Actually, he let The Vulture hit! He hesitated, and then stopped! He made the decision that the world was better off without an aggressive, murderous cannibal, and let him die! The future Spider-Man was much less idealistic, and thought the whole great power/responsibility ratio was over-rated. Nobody else believed it, and used their power, whether it be strength, influence, or money, with no discrimination whatsoever, and if he applied such an ethical rule, he reasoned, he'd be hurting himself. He used his power for good, sure, but he did it with very few rules governing his actions.

He didn't talk much, either. Compared to the chatter his predecessor was constantly spewing, he was practically mute.

Oh, but the powers. Well, they were the same, but different.

He didn't have Spider-Sense (TM)(C)(R)(Don'tSuePlease). He had 'accelerated vision,' whatever that means. He could see wavelengths of light other people couldn't, and he could see very minute and distant objects clearly. His eyes were very light-sensitive as well, and low-light didn't mess with his vision.

He climbed walls too, but differently. See, he had these very hard, very sharp talons on the tips of his fingers and toes. They dug into the surface to which he was 'clinging' and supported him. They also made great weapons.

He didn't have web shooters. He made his own webs, like the movie version of Spider-Man, but they fired out of the top of his wrists instead of the bottom.

He was just as strong as the original model, and just as fast and agile too. He was just as smart, if not smarter.

He had something the original didn't, though. He had fangs. They delivered a paralytic toxin. Yep... this spider was poisonous.

All in all, the artwork, writing, and characters in Spider-Man 2099 were great, and I preferred (and still prefer) it to the other 3 godzillion titles for the present-day incarnation of Spider-Man. I really wish they'd bring it back. But that's not likely, seeing as how Jim Lee is apparently poker-buddies with Mike Eisner, and seems determined to wreck the empire his father helped to create, and good titles will be few and far between. Miguel O'Hara, we hardly knew ye.

Marvel Comics
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Chemo's World
Topic: Comic Books
I want to start a new comic book. I'd like to call it Chemo's World.

Chemo is a perfectly ordinary person, living in Anytown, USA. He is well adjusted. He has a steady, good paying job with room for advancement, and the respect of his peers and management. He has a girlfriend that is attractive and loyal, and truly loves him, with thoughts of marriage in the future. His car is a good car, and it's paid for. He rents an apartment, and has a room mate named Tom.

Tom is currently on the run from the police, and he hides this fact from Chemo. Chemo doesn't know about Tom's two previous drug convictions, in which he was arrested while carrying 3 and 7 pounds of Columbian marijuana, respectively, which he intended to sell to glaucoma patients with a license, but the license was not recognized by his state's government. In actuality, they were, but the circumstances were doctored by an overzealous DEA agent named McGoo, who would soon hound Tom and be the bane of his existence, after Tom's third arrest while carrying 2 pounds, also for sale to glaucoma patients. Tom escaped.

McGoo lost Tom's trail when he fled into the desert, where he met an old Native American medicine man. The medicine man, named Nicodaemus Six-Hands, gave Tom a powerful spirit totem that would hide him from his enemies. In return, however, Tom had to give his first-born son to Nicodaemus' tribe, to raise as their own. Tom had no children, and had had a vasectomy, so this was a deal. The spirit totem was a coyote skull worn around the neck; when his enemies were near, Tom was to wear the skull like a mask, and they would not see him, for the trickster spirit of the coyote would obscure him their minds.

Tom walked through the desert for eight days, barely surviving, until he reached Reno, Nevada. He bought a lotto ticket with his last dollar, and won 600,000,000.00 dollars. The taxes were automatically taken out, and so he collected it without the DEA attempting to arrest him immediately. When they did show up, he put on his coyote skull, and walked away, right under McGoo's nose.

With his post-tax lottery winnings of $300,000,000.29, Tom bought a Winnebago and began traveling the country, never staying in one place too long, still on the run from the DEA. Tom would find people in need of his help wherever he went. He would be able to solve problems for people, because he was an objective outsider. But when he stayed anywhere too long, he would eventually be caught up to by his nemesis McGoo, and he'd have to move on.

Once, after helping a family realize that their son's homosexuality was neither a sin nor a reflection on how they raised him, and that they could still love him as a son the way he loved them as his parents, he drove away, Mcgoo on his trail, and was captured, Winnebago and all, by an alien spacecraft that used a strange beam to pull him off of the road and into its cargo hold. They told him that they had lost a super-suit, and had he seen it. He said he had not. They asked him why he was wearing a coyote skull, and he told them about Nicodaemus Six-Hands. They revealed to him that he was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of one of the aliens on the craft, who had been to earth centuries before and had a thing for Earth women. His blood had been diluted by the time Tom was born, so Tom shared none of the alien's natural gifts or powers, but he would inherit the spacecraft and all its technological wonders when his long-lost relative passed away in 4 thousand years. This meant very little to Tom.

Angered by Tom's callous disregard for his heritage, they dropped him off in front of the DEA building in Washington, D.C. and kept his Winnebago, which they planned to use as a make-out shack when they cruised for Earth women.

Tom acted fast, and immediately went into the DEA building. He applied for a job, and lied about his credentials. He received a position as McGoo's immediate superior. A long, wacky, cat-and-mouse game ensued, in which he tried to keep McGoo from revealing his past by keeping McGoo constantly in the field. In irony, McGoo was searching for the very person that was giving him orders. Tom eventually was discovered by a meter-maid, who recognized the coyote skull. Tom put the skull on and fled, and through a series of events too bizarre to discuss here, he eventually found himself sharing an apartment with Chemo.

The plot of the book will be Tom and Chemo's monthly argument over the rent and utilities bills. I think it'd sell.