Gummy
Topic: Holiday
My mother-in-law is so cool.

That may be the only time you've ever read that sentence, so savor it. Most people complain about their mothers-in-law. Mine is way cool.

She is artistically talented, fun, sweet, caring, considerate, and all the other great things a mom should be. And, although she didn't know me very well when I married Ghostwolf, she welcomed me with open arms and acted like I was the coolest thing since glacial ice flows. She's way good to me.

Yesterday, we received a package from her. In this package, among other things, was a cool candy dish that was white with an orb web pattern in the middle of it. Inside this candy dish was a package of gummy spiders. See... she knows what I like. I didn't even know candy companies made gummy spiders.

So. I reiterate. My mother-in-law is so cool.

America
Topic: Holiday
Independence day.

American Independence day.

Key words. Tricky phrases.

The day started for me in a pretty usual manner for a Monday… that is to say, I woke up in the morning. I sleep a human being's schedule on weekends, mainly to maximize time spent with Ghost Wolf.* She and I attempted to decide whether or not we’d go fishing. Finally, after we’d decided that it would be insane to do that on a July 4 weekend, I decided she’d be upset if we stayed home, or upset if we tried fishing, so we went anyway.

I’m not racist. Really. I’d have had the same reaction no matter what music was playing, or what nationality the people around us happened to be. In fact, I won’t even mention nationalities. I’ll just say that there were a lot of people surrounding us, and none of them spoke English as a first language, and all outward appearances cried out “We’re foreign! We’re not naturalized! Many of us don’t even know what color a green card is!”** They crowded in on us, spoke very loudly (occasionally in a different language), their children wanted to use our fishing poles, and we heard the constant back-beat of music that came in by worm-hole to the radios on either side of us, neither on the same station, but both playing the same kind of music from the same far-off, distant land. They completely ignored their children’s efforts to swarm the place, including sitting between me and my fishing pole until I asked (asked!) them to move, so that in the event a fish actually decided it wanted to get snagged on my lure, I’d know, and wouldn’t have to knock them into one of the radio worm-holes as I ran for my fishing rod.

“Are you fishing right here?” one asked.
“Yes, I’m fishing right here.” I answered.
“I know how to fish.”
“That’s nice.”
“Can I try your fishing rod?” he asked, reaching for it.”
“No!” I replied instantly. The reaching hand stopped.
He looked unsure, and then another child with him whispered, in surprise and awe, “He said no.” Apparently, these children aren’t used to hearing that word, which seems to me to be the root of their problem.

I settled in with my book, and, after griping once to my wife, settled down and just left my line alone and let her fish without my comments. I sat quietly, reading my book, and cataloging transgressions around me, in the event that, if I had to explain my actions to law enforcement agents, they'd understand and probably let me go.

I don't know how long it was, but it wasn't too very long, before my Ghost Wolf leaned over and said “Well, I think you’ve been tortured enough.” I then noticed that she had already broken down her fishing rods. She’d had quite enough. “Apparently, you can only celebrate American Independence Day if you speak a foreign language” she said. This surprised me, because it’s not like her to say something like that. But she was disappointed and understandably angry at the situation, and then we left.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and picked up some things for a July 4 cookout. I’m currently sitting in front of my apartment using my wireless connection while grilling kebabs on the hibachi. That’s right; I’m cooking foreign food on a foreign cooking device while celebrating American Independence day. Later tonight, perhaps, we’ll watch some fireworks.*** Part of the point of American Independence Day is that we started as a colony… everyone was from somewhere else, and now they’re from here. This country was founded by immigrants; admittedly white protestant immigrants, but immigrants nonetheless. We’re pretty much a mishmash of cultures anyway. I’m not going to eat my pizza (invented in Chicago) and “freedom fries” (which, no matter what you call them, were invented in France), and then crack open a fortune cookie (invented in San Francisco) and read the words “Happy Fourth of July!” I’m going to eat what I’m hungry for, and today we decided in kebabs on the grill. Plus Mike’s Hard Lemonade (which, I believe, is Canadian). The way I see it, as much as the U.S. does for other nations (and has done since our kick-off party in 1776), they should all be celebrating today. Many of them wouldn't exist any more if it weren't for the United States. Perhaps their abuse is a strange, international way of saying "Thanks."

Yeah, I doubt it too.

Also.

I called my friend Skeeve and wanted to tell him Happy Birthday, because he was born on the Fourth of July before Tom Cruise was. However, he wasn’t answering his phone. It’s Independence Day and his birthday today. If he doesn’t answer his phone, I can’t say that I blame him. Happy birthday, Skeeve. Enjoy the fireworks.

*Whom many of you may recognize as my wife. If you don’t, now you do.
**Perhaps they’d have said “grun.” Or “vert.” Or maybe even “verde.”
***Invented by the Chinese.