Your Monster Killer Wants Stake
Topic: The Movies
The topic here should actually be "The Movies That Are Also Games." Van Helsing will be released to the theaters May 7, and also as a game in the same month, probably on the same date. Universal Studios (who has also decided to remake Dawn of the Dead, released the 19th of this month) has partnered with Vivendi Universal Games to develop the video game version of this film for simultaneous release, proving that they've got marketing down cold.

The plot, as far as I can tell, is that Dr. Van Helsing, previously known only for his part in the destruction of vampires, particularly Dracula (read it here), has branched out and added Frankenstein's Monster and The Wolfman to his repertoire. The character was created by Bram Stoker in the book 'Dracula,' in order to give the protagonists someone with knowledge of vampires, giving them the edge they need to win. This re-imagining is apparently a younger Van Helsing, who, in his earlier days, liked stomping monster butt of all varieties. So, apparently, the plot is going to be that a legendary monster hunter is going to go out and become a legendary monster hunter by hunting a lot of legendary monsters. Hollywood has run out of ideas.

The concept of legendary heroes saving the world has been recently done by 20th Century Fox with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which wasn't all that successful, because the movie was weak. Not even the amazing talent of Sir Sean Connery could rescue that film. I'm not screaming to get back the 90 minutes of my life that I spent watching it, but I'm not going to watch it again unless there's nothing else on... and if there's a Muppet Show marathon running simultaneously, I'll pass on League.

Yet here's Universal, trying to one-up Fox by following League's failure with a similar concept in Van Helsing. But there's something to remember here; it might still be good! The idea is sound, it's just a matter of pulling it off. And in League, they had 8 legends to bring to life (counting the villain). In Van Helsing, they'll only have to worry about 4 (counting the monsters). And they just might have better writers. So I'm giving the film a chance, and I'll be there to see it. Maybe not opening day, but I'll see it.

As for the game, it's only being released on PS2 and X-box. Whose brilliant marketing strategy was that? First, they show how savvy their marketing is by releasing the game with the film, then wreck it by only making it available on 2 game platforms, and both of those are console. Holy crudmonkeys, that's lame. It's as if the board members of Universal, Sony, and Microsoft (whose site is at least 50% spin) got together, smoked a few cigars, and said "We giant, ugly super corporations have to stick together." and decided to screw the PC gamer, since there wasn't anyone there to represent them, except Microsoft (and they already had the game release covered by the X-Box).

And no, I'm not going to carry my happy ass out to the store to buy a game console just so I can play Van Helsing... I personally think that there's no better controller than a keyboard and mouse, in my opinion. I'll play console games. I don't hate consoles. But that damned controller gives me blisters on my fingers, and that sucks. Consoles need better controllers... like, say, a keyboard and mouse. It'll take a really good game to get me to buy a console. Which is not to say that I don't want a console; I actually do want one. But I want one so I can play lots of games, not just Van Helsing.

One of the interesting points to consider here is that the movie itself is about a guy that's going out to destroy monsters. In a media where so many films and games are based on the monster's perspective, and makes monsters the protagonists, Universal has returned to the concept of destroying them. I like this.

I know there's gonna be a lot of vampire sub-culture people out there going "Dracula would have devoured him, and that crossbow would never really work." To those people, I say "It's only a movie. Vampires aren't real. Take off the black lipstick and mascara, let your hair's real color grow back out, put on some color, and move out of your parents' basement. There's a real world out there for you to enjoy, you pasty-skinned societal carbuncle, and there's no vampires in it. If you're going to suppose vampires can exist, then you have to accept that maybe, just maybe, someone can kill them, and perhaps there's an engineer out there that could make that crossbow work. If that shatters your world, then your world was too fragile, and you should try the real one. Role-play is all good fun, but sometimes you have to remember to pay your bills."

Dracula sure as hell won't pay your bills. Van Helsing killed him. And I hope he used that crossbow to do it.

Van Helsing
Universal Studios
Dawn of the Dead
Vivendi Universal Games
Bram Stoker's Dracula
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Sir Sean Connery
The Muppets
20th Century Fox
Sony
Microsoft