The Word For The Day Is...
Topic: The Invention Corner
Lederhosen.

Welcome to The Invention Corner, in which I take an invention and try, without the benefit or glory of prior knowledge, to determine its history and purpose. It's kind of like a liar's club, only it's just me and I don't know what the Hell I'm talking about. Afterward, I'll research it on The Web-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (pronounced "internet"), and see how close I came. It'll be fun!

Honest.

The first invention I'll do (and maybe the last, if I embarass myself too much) is "lederhosen." Who invented it? More importantly, why did they invent it?

Lederhosen, if you don't know, are leather bib overalls that only go down to your knees. They're supposedly comfortable, but after a while they become so hard they can stop a bullet and are an acceptable alternative to the lead apron the nurse gives you when you have an X-ray.* They'll stop 90% of all neutrinos that hit them, making them better than about three and a half miles of reactor shielding.**

There is a band called "The Screaming Lederhosen," who recorded the original theme to The Ren and Stimpy Show. They are no relation to "The Screaming Trees," who recorded "I Nearly Lost You There."

They're German. Or maybe Swiss. Same thing. Chocolate, cheese, gold, funky accents. What's the freakin' difference, except one's neutral and one has a history of annexing neighboring nations. Who gives a shit. They're Germswissan. Or something.

They have been known to chafe.***

The first step in determining their origin is to determine their function, and who needs them. Their function seems to be to chafe and look ridiculous. Who needs that? Nobody. This is a dead end dry hole trail, and I have to start over.

Apparently, there's that whole clothing thing involved too. Or something. I guess. So what's wrong with making pants out of cloth that doesn't require the death of a cow that gave perfectly good milk, necessary for both cheese and chocolate, up until it was turned into stupid looking shorts with suspenders and a bib? Why make them like this?

uhmmm... 'cause?

Screw it. I'll look it up.

Oh, Gods and other omnipotent beings, there's an on-line lederhosen museum! I will never, ever think my own web page is dumb again!

It seems they're devoted to aspects of the garment that don't pertain to history. There's an entire section devoted to the fly, though. I'm pretty sure I don't need to go there.

According to The American Heritage Dictionaryof the English Language (4th Edition), they are "Leather shorts, often with suspenders, worn by men and boys, especially in Bavaria." So it seems they're Bavarian. This site on historical boys clothing seems to support the Bavaria theory, and says some stuff about it being traditional and folk dancing kind of wear. Translation: "We think they're stupid too, but they're our heritage, stupid or not, so we'll keep wearing them and we triple dog dare you to tell us to stop."

Not much seems devoted to why they're leather. Only for purposes of durability. I want to know what the Hell they're doing that requires that much protection, but only between the knees and the waist. Are they sliding down the alps without a sled? Are they participating in the 500 meter butt-scootch? Do they just love rubbing up against things? Or are they protecting themselves from being rubbed by others?

There doesn't seem to be much point to the leather, aside from an excuse to kill another cow, or pig, or whatever. If you ask me, it's creepy. And I know creepy. Creepy owes me ten bucks.

Well, it looks like all the evidence supports me. They're sort of Swiss, sort of German, pointlessly stupid pants that serve no practical function. Score one for me.

The next installment of The Invention Corner will probably be done sometime shortly after Hell freezes over. See you then.

*"Here, wear this... oh! You're wearing lederhosen! Never mind!"
**Actual statistic that I just made up.
***And not in that fun way.